Saturday, February 04, 2006

The Public Serpent

"The Public Serpent: Analysis of Parallelisms Between the Reptilian and Politician Life Cycles" Newmann, Kreger, et al. Annals of Performance Science 103:12 (June 2005): 48-62.

PrĂ©cis: Politicians start out warm-blooded but become more cold-blooded the longer they are in office. Despite the politician’s ability to generate heat through campaigning and fundraising activities, they have a remarkably limited capacity for genuine warmth. Like a reptile born from an egg, the politician emerges fully formed and predatory in the post election phase. And like any reptile, politicians must seek out sources of heat/money to sustain them through the election cycle. Definitive parallelism is proven. In their conclusion, the authors suggest they prefer the company of actual reptiles to politicians, claiming “At least they don’t lie.”

crossposted to DemiOrator.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

For My Liege: A Patriot's Guide

For My Liege: A Patriot's Guide is an outline of right action by American vassals. Despite the efforts of traitorous Democrats, voters and domestic animals to halt the Tides of Freedom, America is still supreme in Leadership of the World! Such Malcontents cannot hold back our Vital Homeland! Those who are in Accord with Our Leaders Shall be rewarded! But not every Upright Citizen knows the proper conduct of a True American. For My Liege: A Patriot's Guide will teach You to be an Exemplary SuperCitizen. Learn
  • Which questions are Unpatriotic so you won't be jailed for asking them.
  • How to report your neighbors to Homeland Security.
  • The seven warning signs of Democrats.
  • How to gain promotions through Patriotic Detention of your rivals.
This Common Sense approach to Supporting our President and Our Troops is easy to understand and contains illustrations.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Serving Word Salad

Serving Word Salad: A Fable of Language teaches you how to mangle and recast common words and phrases into Neocomm. Neocomm is the next level in the evolution of language. Jargon, acronyms, and field specific terminology are all old solutions to communication problems. This is not a new language. It is a crossbreed language encompassing simplified word combinations, complexified chimeras, and reshunted word fu. Some of the vocabulary is made up of repurposed verds and adjouns. Actions can, depending on context, be in time, space or tumolt. Here's a sample: Hypertemp phils ut cont consect privo. Even without training, I'm sure that this example almost makes sense to you, the syllables hinting at fuller phrases and complex context. Actually, that sentence expands to reveal the full text of the legislation known as the "USA PATRIOT Act" from 2001. Surprised? Don't be. This is the beauty of Neocomm. It's the new way to communicate.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Hating God Back: The Secular Humanist Philosophy of "Lethal Weapon"

Hating God Back: The Secular Humanist Philosophy of "Lethal Weapon". We all know that secular humanism hates God but did you know that this God-hating religion has a movie that lays out its philosophy? Anger and Satanism course through the every line and image of the film "Lethal Weapon". Close examination also reveals the existence of numerous subliminal messages appearing in almost every frame of the film. Scientific deconstruction of the audio tracks shows backward masked messages of a sacrilegious nature. Mel Gibson's character even says "Hate [God] back. It works for me." Also check out the companion volume Between Nothing and Nothingness: The Empty Promises of "The Matrix" and Hell on Earth.
Soulman's Review: This is the book that breaks open the festering sore that is Hollywood film. Understanding Hollywood's obsession with pervert sex and drug feeding behaviour willl change you. help jesus fight immorallity through knowing it. feed the soul devine by knowing the bad things and shunning them. denounce the ffast life of decadent Hollywood and find the behind the seens motion picture deathstyle. Do not miss this bok! jEsus is Lord!

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Pigs on Parade

Pigs on Parade is a delightful coffee table book with stunning photographs of pigs in all sorts of situations. You will laugh at their humorous escapades! You will weep as they cavort on Main St.! They are the surprise guests at a tea party! Anyone who loves pigs will love this book! There is also a short informational section on the animals. Caution: Police are sensitive about this topic and should not be given this book. They may be offended.

170pp, cloth, slipcase, 11x14. Suggested retail price: $129.99.

Sturgeon's Law: The Definitive Guide

Sturgeon's Law comes from a quote by science fiction writer Theodore Sturgeon: "Sure, 90% of science fiction is crud. That's because 90% of everything is crud." If only the percentage were that low. Recent scientific studies have refined this off-the-cuff assessment by Mr. Sturgeon. The Crud Index Study by Tartman, Shush, et al, reveal that Sturgeon was far too conservative. Unfortunately, the study has also proved that, in relative terms, the amount of non-crud approaches zero when factored into quality equations. In other words, we can safely say that 99.99% of everything is crud. I'm sorry to inform you that you are probably part of that figure.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Conspiracy of Shadows

There are many things most people do not know about the US Government and its hidden history. Chapters in this book cover such things as:
  1. The [redacted] was not written by [redacted].
  2. Ronald Reagan was [redacted and censored] by aliens.
  3. Richard Nixon often [redacted] in the Oval Office bathroom.
  4. Congress is explicitly authorized to give beautiful decorating makeovers.
There are many other secrets. But I cannot tell them to you. You see, there's this gag order, and besides, if I told you... It's a shame I can't publish this book. You might be surprised by the details historically hidden in the shadows of Washington.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Whispers of Joy

Like the rhythms of the waves on the beach, something in you reaches for happiness and falls back. Why are you unable to find a place of joy within yourself? First you need to admit your need for love. Then you need to buy this book. Finally you must devote yourself to healing your sloppy soul. Then you will feel joy! Just remember that it is important to buy this book. Read it. Read it all at once. Read it slowly, savoring its essential truth. Read it aloud to your pet. Read it loudly on crowded streetcorners. Reading will help you know. Knowing will help you be. Being will help you buy another copy of this book for a friend. Don't let your happiness escape when you put down this book. Better yet, buy a copy and keep it in a safe so you'll always know where the source of your happiness and joy is: locked in a safe. And that will help you feel safe. See how easy it is to be happy? Surrender to joy today!